Martin Boronte

‘A MUST-read for anyone who hasn’t laughed much lately.’ Vank is a playful yet pointed appraisal about our world, and was inspired by the author’s dad Peter who was often heard yelling ‘ A LOAD OF VANK! ’ at anything that annoyed him. Peter was Hungarian, so can be forgiven for the slight mispronunciation, if not for the crudity of his vocabulary. The “vank bank” (as it were) includes: Naming babies Hoist, Stiletto and Ladder to give them a free, albeit unsafe, leg up in life Middle-aged guys with not an ounce of flat on them Gyms – where the quads and glutes and delts and pects, are the gods of brutes and svelte and sex Apollo leaden – full commentary on the descent stage of man Automatic doors, where we have to break our stride, our stride on final, on final approach to them Netflix’s one and only continuity error Spiders, and how it used to be spelt spiiiders until two legs got lopped off in a frenzied shoe attack Holidays with a c view and fi-wi wi-fi (crap and ficking widiculous) Hard drugs, and how bending over with an inhaler in your pocket can really chafe your thigh Vegans – Virtually Empty Green Attentio-N Seekers Guinness World Records holding the record for the fastest hands rubbed together Small talk, and how this brainless activity costs lives Have a good day – people telling us this when there’s only 15 minutes left of said day Pencil top erasers – made from a combo of dead cat tongue and equally gone off Hubba Bubba Crop ovals, which, 100%, are circles from above Letter boxes – those hapless holes through which a stamp can just about be squeezed through Quality Street’s toffee penny – good only for plugging holes in Nestlé’s profit sheets (and boats) Grey cars – that cause us to crash a lot in order to add some much needed colour into our lives Modern architecture’s flat-packed, fat-packed blocks, built quick to make a big, thick, sick stack Schadenfreude – not an easy thing to admit having or, with missing dentures and a fat lip, to say Year-round suntans that camouflages our other, marginally less dangerous, addiction to Nutella Serving of Plonk – the subtly complex and fruity, modern day varietal Cosmetic wording – a fake scientific blend to create redensified, unregulatoryfied, facial matter Modern art, in the shape of turds on canvas ...you get the picture …although hopefully not in that last example. So with more than 199 topics of painful amusement and irritation, the advice is to stay in, stay safe, and enjoy Vank!

Vank: Here's to our flawed and funny world

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Author of Vank - found in the funny aisle on Amazon (the book not me). Seeking trusted reviews.

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Vank: Here's to our flawed and funny world

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Vank: Here's to our flawed and funny world

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